Being a little older, I am very fortunate to have someone call and check on me every day. He is from India, and he’s very concerned about my car warranty.
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It turns out that when asked who your favorite child is, you’re supposed to pick one of your own. I know that now.
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It’s fine to eat a test grape in the produce section, but take one little bite of rotisserie chicken and it’s, “Sir, you need to leave!”
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My kids say they want a cat for Christmas. Normally I serve turkey, but, hey, if it will make them happy.
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I just read a book about marriage that says treat your wife like you treated her on your first date. So, tonight after dinner, I’m dropping her off at her parent’s house. ————————————————————
Driver: “What am I supposed to do with this speeding ticket?” Officer, “Keep it. Four more and you get a bicycle.”
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I told my physical therapist that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.
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I put our scale in the bathroom corner & that’s where the little bastard will stay until it apologizes.
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When I was a kid, I used to watch the ‘Wizard of Oz’ & wonder how someone could talk if they didn’t have a brain. Then I got Facebook.
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Apparently RSVP-ing to a wedding invitation with “Maybe next time” isn’t the correct response.
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A guy walks into a lumberyard & asks for some 2x4s. The clerk asks, “How long do you need them?” The guy answers, “A long time. We’re gonna build a house.”
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I hate it when people act all intellectual and talk about Mozart, when they’ve never even seen one of his paintings.
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